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Looking for a good laugh? Here are 17 funny quotes to make you laugh out loud.
1. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”— A. A. Milne
2. “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”—Abraham Lincoln
3. “As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”— Norman Wisdom
4. “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”— Emo Philips
5. “Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.” –Jim Carrey
6. “A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.”— Lana Turner
7. “By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”― Socrates
8. “I want a woman that’s going to arouse my intellect as well as my lions.”– Eddie Murphy
9. “A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?” ― Albert Einstein
10. “I think I’ve discovered the secret of life – you just hang around until you get used to it.”― Charles Schulz
11. ”Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.”―Albert Einstein
12. “People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass.”—Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls
13. “The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
—Oscar Wilde
14. “People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.” – Ellen DeGeneres
15. “I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to ’cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.”— Aziz Ansari
16. “Ever argue with a female and, in the middle of the argument, you no longer feel safe because of her actions? She may start pacing back and forth real fast, breathing out her nose. You know what my girl do? When she get mad, she start talking in the third person. That’s scary as hell because that’s her way of telling me that from this point on, she is not responsible for none of her actions.”—Kelvin Hart
17. “Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? ‘Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”—Jerry Seinfeld
